My f*ckin' tooth hurts. I went through all of my youth flashing my beautiful pearly whites as people were aghast at my perfectly (no modesty here) straight teeth. Constantly, I was flogged by questions about braces from my poor pre-pubescent-crooked-toothed-peers. No, not I.

"My teeth are naturally straight" I'd say and flash them a set of teeth straight as an ivory piano keyboard.

Now fate has bit me in the ass. My stupid chompers fall victim to cavities almost every year. Yes, I brush religiously. Yes, I floss daily. I see my demon of a dentist regularly. Because my teeth are so close together they are insanely susceptible to everything.

I just had my root canal re-rooted for the 3rd time. How many times does it take to finally kill off the nerves? 6 times I jolted and almost slugged my dentist and the perky hygienist (who I know personally) as he poked and prodded my sensitive lil' molar. "Leave it alone" I almost yelled while contemplating my escape which involved ripping the "raincoat protection" thingie and that metal clamp and hopefully my tooth while fleeing down the street.

Now, after wiping my tear-mascara streaked cheeks and pumping my system full of ibuprofen and extra strength Tylenols I am still planning my revenge on my dentist. I want laughing gas godamnit!